ThatFan.com — Are You That Fan?

NOTE: For those who haven’t been following along, Dr. Venkman (Ben), has taken it upon himself to set forth some rules and regulations when it comes to common practices by fans at games. In this installment he deals with fans cheering at High School sporting events.

For all of the college and professional games that occur everyday, there are even more High School games with even more fans that think they are experts on how to be a fan at them. With the impending and just started football seasons around the land, this must be regulated and ThatFan will do what it needs to.

“It shall be understood that hence forth the act of cheering at a high school sporting event is allowed in the following instances, and only in the following instances. If you have to ask…your alma mater hates you:

1. The game is a state semi-final or championship. All bets are off…this is for glory.

2. You can make a 80s or 90s pop culture reference. The best one of these on record is a fan yelling the first lines to The Lion King (:22 seconds in) during a foul shot. The 2000s are too young and the 70s too old…sorry that is how it is.

3. You are correct about a call being poorly called. This applies in situations such as when a basketball ref calls a hold on a blocking foul or a football referee calling a false start on an illegal formation. There was still a foul/penalty, but you just want the call made right. This stipulation should be left to experts only and used sparingly, but is allowed. (Stripes…you are there to get the calls right, not just make them.)

4. Someone else is trying to take over your home court/field. If the visiting team fans are stupid enough to start something then it is your duty to finish it. This is your house.

In the following instances save your $2 admission and purchase a McDonald’s McDouble and a Burger King Whopper Jr., unless you want to have a ThatFan punishment given to you:

1. You plan on making “you” statements. “I respectfully disagree with that interpretation of the understood rules for this event,” is way more hilarous then “You suck ref.”

2. You plan on attacking personal appearance. I bet you probably have something on you that you wish could change….UGLY.

3. You are over the age of 20. Your time has passed Al Bundy, let junior earn his own stripes, the glory days are over.

4. You don’t know the rules. unfortunately, this stipulation has to be put into place for most moms. If you have been going to soccer since they could walk you should know that when people fall down it isn’t an automatic red card because you are going to have to wash some long socks.

Thus shall be fan law as agreed upon as Fan Law on this August 26, 2010.”

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NOTE: For those who haven’t been following along, Dr. Venkman (Ben), has taken it upon himself to set forth some rules and regulations when it comes to common practices by fans at games. In this installment he deals with fans participating in dancing in the stands.

“It shall be understood that hence forth the act of busting a move in the bleachers is allowed in the following instances, and only in the following instances. If you have to ask…sit back down and save us from having to bleach our retinas from looking at your blubber fly:

1. There is at least one other person that is rocking with you. Even though the Lone Wolf Approach is a gutsy attack when the jams start rocking there needs to be at least one other hardy soul for you to play off of to make a real effect on the rest of the crowd around you.

2. You have a signature move. It can be anything from a simple dip or spin to the more advanced hip thrust or slide/moon walk. There just needs to be something that really makes it yours.

3. The gyrating is spontaneous. The dancer can not enter the stadium with a plan in mind or a dance card filled. The best dancing comes from the heart and not the head.

4. There must be no mind paid if the dancer is displayed on the Jumbotron. The dancer is expected to be oblivious to any extra attention that they are given due to their moves. You are there to entertain.

5. The dancer must maintain their dancing during every break in play when there is music available. Make sure that you stay hydrated and are well nourished before the game/contest because you have chosen a roll that is at least, if not more, important than that of the athletes on the field.

In the following instances stay in your seat and enjoy the real movers and shakers and hope that the Kiss Cam finds you unless you want to have a ThatFan punishment given to you:

1. The dancer can’t wave at the Jumbotron if they are displayed. Keep shaking that moneymaker because that is what got you in front of 25,000 people.

2. There can be no sort of sponsorship or reward for dancing. This is a hit against the integrity of the dancer and can cloud the moves that are displayed for the rest of the viewing audience.

3. The dancer cannot be wearing a costume. This is not to say that the dancer can not wear some sort of original or unique shirt, but a full-fledged costume is not allowed for a dancer.

Thus shall be fan law as agreed upon as Fan Law on this August 19, 2010.”

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NOTE: For those who haven’t been following along, Dr. Venkman (Ben), has taken it upon himself to set forth some rules and regulations when it comes to common practices by fans at games. In this installment he deals with fans using artificial noise makers.

“It shall be understood that hence forth the act of using an object foreign to the body to make noise at a sporting event is allowed in the following instances, and only in the following instances. If you have to ask…just stick with the good old fashion guttural war cry:

1. The tool you are using to create more noise comes from nature. Let us not forget the Conch Shell Fan that made Coach K have security take away his shell because it was distracting his foul shooters…the Conch Shell fan wasn’t actually breaking the rules.

2. The device you are using recreates the noise of an animal from nature. Vuvuzelas recreate the feeling of hornets and that would freak me out if I was playing a game…those things are nasty and they hurt (I have kicked/thrown rocks at my fair share of nests). Also anything that recreates a donkey braying, humpback whale singing, or Peregrine Falcon screaming is definitely in.

3. Airhorns are allowed, but should only be used in the following situations: You are a fan of guiding ships through fog, your team is in need of docking anything on their bench, a golfer is in their backswing, in the instant before your team scores (a true fan has this sort of clairvoyance), you are firing off a warning blast for an impending fart.

4. The device can be found in a crackerjack box. Those zinger whistles are hilarious and unexpected because they are straight out of Three Stooges Shorts.

In the following instances you are not allowed to make any noise at a game…in fact you aren’t allowed to make any noise ever, unless a bus almost hits you and then you allowed a squeak and nothing more unless you want to have a ThatFan punishment given to you:

1. Cowbells are never allowed unless you are a fan meeting one of the following stipulations: You are rooting for a herd of cattle, you are rooting for a farmer milking a herd of cattle, you are rooting for a cowboy making little doggies get along, you are rooting on a ranch.

2. The device being used is a fake bullhorn that makes the “Charge” bugle call. That thing sounds like it is a Casio graphing calculator from 1992 in speaker form.

3. The device requires an electrical source to power it. There is no place for batteries in a fan’s arsenal. You are just telling the others around you that you would rather have electrons do your rooting for you.

4. Manuel bullhorns are never allowed. Leave them to the male cheerleaders. (Amendment – if you kill a bull, or any other creature with horns large enough, and hallow out its actual horn then you man use it to support your team, but you must wear the skin as either a cape, suit, or hat to prove the authenticity.)

Thus shall be as agreed upon as Fan Law on this August 13, 2010.”

NOTE: For those who haven’t been following along, Dr. Venkman (Ben), has taken it upon himself to set forth some rules and regulations when it comes to common practices by fans at games. In this installment he deals with fans participating in fantasy sports leagues.

A different kind of fantasy sport.

“It shall be understood that hence forth the act of having a fantasy sports team is allowed in the following instances, and only in the following instances. If you have to ask…just put a straight bet on the game save yourself six months of anguish:

1. You are playing or money. Even though we don’t condone problem gambling, lets keep the game interesting and worth a few dead Presidents.

2. At least once every two seasons you need to have a team name that has an 80s pop culture reference. Everyone knows that Jesse and the Rippers would have been a team name if there was fantasy baseball in 1988.

3. There are banners from the champion. I know I am intimidated when I see the seven banners from the Angry Whoppers or the Ragin’ Yetis.

4. No draft information is used during the drafting process. If you want to draft a bunch of 1993 All-Stars and no new talent…let it rip. If you want all rookies…let it rip. If you show up with a magazine that gives projections and talks about draft order…let it rip.

5. You are playing in a league that involves the following sports: Baseball (Head-to-head only…rotisserie is too long.), Football, Basketball, or Hockey. All other sports should be watched, not auto-drafted.

In the following instances forget your password unless you want to have a ThatFan punishment given to you:

1. There is any boasting about a draft pick made. For every Zack Greinke that was picked up in the tenth round in 2005 there are 10 Carlos Lees in the third round in 2006 (Look it up, unless you are a loser and already know what those two references mean).

2. You create a team jersey or team photo. That is just creepy and sad that you have the time to pull that off.

3. Your fantasy team becomes your favorite team. The loyalty that you create as a 10-year old should not be trumped by your gambling as a 35-year old.

4. You check on your team more than once a day. Look, if you are playing football than there is really only one day that you even need to sign in and if you are worried about changing baseball pitchers than you may check for a total of 20 minutes once a day. Some circlejerking yourself about your lineup.

Thus shall be fan law as agreed upon as Fan Law on this August 9, 2010.”